In Twenty-One Easy Steps
By Nina Ki

1. Pre-party. A lot. Consume a forty and a half of beer (Lesbians like beer). Make sure and do this with several other lesbians, who may or may not pull out a guitar and break into song, preferably a cover of Foo Fighter’s “Everlong” or Dashboard Confessional’s ever popular “Hands Down.” Most likely, these are songs that they have put on mix CDs for their ex-girlfriends. Fight the urge to cry.

2. Be attracted to one of the girls your friends has brought along– lesbians love fresh meat. Make a few light, witty remarks and watch her giggle like a schoolgirl.

3. Go to a party where most of the girls are wearing button up shirts and ties. We’ll allow a little vest and suspender action as well. Dance like a drunken fool, particularly with the attractive friend of friend, and nervously avoid any girls with whom you have previously made out or had prior relations with.

4. Allow the attractive friend of friend, who will be referred to as AFF from hereon, to lead you away by hand for a “smoking break.” Nervously ignore friends’ snickering and pointed stares. Lesbians love to snicker about "relations."

5. Smoke outside in the dim porch light, even if you don’t know how to smoke. It is preferable that you would share the cigarette with the girl (claim “you can’t smoke a whole one by yourself”). If you are feeling particularly confident, suavely light AFF’s cigarette - grazing her hand, if possible.

6. Talk about your lives. Share your ambitions, dreams, feelings. Feelings in particular are very important. Lesbians are all about the feelings - most of the time.

7. Touch. Tease. Flirt. Find yourself making out passionately and awkwardly on the steps of the front door, to the annoyance of all who must walk around you to get to the party.

8. Be interrupted by one of your exes, who unfortunately has decided to show up at the party with her new girlfriend. She is *pissed* that you are making out with someone else, even though you broke up two years before.

9. Continue to make out. When the AFF decides that you two have been making out long enough, and should get back to the others at the party, comply. Allow yourself to be led by the hand, again, back into the party.

10. Pretend that nothing has happened, even though it was an unusually long smoke break. Dance like a drunken fool, and perhaps give some drunken lap dances to your friends.

11. When it is time to go, and your friends offer to give you a ride back home, slyly suggest that you will be going home with the AFF.

12. Allow the AFF to drunk-drive you home. Be scared when she begins driving with one eye open, claiming it helps her with the “double vision” and pray quiet but hopeful prayers when she almost swerves into oncoming traffic. Be thankful when you finally get to your location, AFF’s house.

13. Enter AFF’s room. In a flurry of passion and torn clothes, get her and yourself naked. Do not forget to turn on some music– something to get you in the mood and to cover up any noises of sapphic joy that may occur in the next few hours.

14. Score.

15. Sleep.

16. Wake up in the morning. Realize how drunk you both were and laugh awkwardly about it. Do not mention the size and color of the giant hickey you left on her neck the night before. Hope that she does not notice.

17. Be relieved when the friends call you to make sure you got home safe, and to see if you want to go out for breakfast.

18. Go to said breakfast. Be grateful that AFF’s driving is not as bad when she is sober. Hold hands with AFF under the table and exchange gossip about who slept with who and the things that went down at the party.

19. When breakfast is done, exchange numbers with AFF, and give her a kiss goodbye.

20. Talk to your friends about it. Get the nitty gritty on her sordid or not-so-sordid past, and see if she has any ex-girlfriends that you know or who may want to beat you up.

21. Call her a few days later. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Nina Ki has since gone on to have and write about many more "relations"... but err not too many. I love you Del.